Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Help me!
He's taking me away! Help me!
I'm going!
Darling, there's nothing we can't work out.
You no good man. Now, don't be silly.
You want good wife - you be good husband.
Darling, don't go.
I no like you anyway. You got little ding-a- ling.
Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
In my opinion, you should wait here
for the new gas tank from Coober Pedy.
Then again, you listened to my last opinion.
Forget it, Bob. It's time we made a move.
I'm just a gifted amateur around here.
There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune
can compete with three ping-pong balls, two cigarettes and beer.
I'll play it safe and stick to the main drag, pardon the pun.
Well, goodbye, Bob.
Thanks for a very educational stay.
I'd love to be able to open a bottle like that.
Bernadette, it's certainly been an honour
meeting a member of Les Girls.
And it's been an honour to meet a gentleman.
Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species.
Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits!
Oh, fuck it!
Bob! Fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy?
Now, listen, Bob. Let's get one thing straight.
We wear the frocks, but that doesn't mean you wear the pants.
Right. Where do I sleep?
Oh! Anywhere that takes your fancy!
The roof will do me fine.
Thank you, Bob.
I don't know what to say.
That's alright. Might as well get there earlier. Bit of R and R.
God knows I need it.
Can I ask you a personal question, if you don't mind?
Sure. Why?
Why do you... you know?
You mean the $64,000 question?
That's the girl. Don't tear the wrapping paper.
Just slide the ribbon off and we can see what Santa's brought you.
Here it comes now.
What is it?
Oh, it's a... It's a...
...cement mixer.
Have you been changing the cards around again, Ralph?
So, I guess I had no choice in the matter.
For fuck's sake! Watch where you're driving, you stupid bitch!
You trying to fucken kill me?
My fault!
Sorry, Bob. I thought it was Bernadette.
One-two-three, two-two-three, three-two-three...
Now you're getting it.
Who taught you to waltz? My wife.
Oh, how sweet.
You and the missus down at Arthur Murray's every Tuesday
practising your hearts out.
Makes me want to sick up.
Married?
Yes, married.
We've only recently discovered
young Anthony here bats for both teams.
I do not! Oh, so we're straight?
No. Oh, we're not?
We're a donut puncher after all?
No. Then what are we?
I don't fucking know!
What the fuck's that?
Good evening.
Nice night for it.
Oh, OK. Goodnight then.
What a rude woman.
And that's the power steering pump. And that's the radiator fan.
How interesting. Simple.
That's the rubber band that drives the whole thing...
Oh! Yes!
Hey! Who wants first bath?
Whoo-ooh!
I won!
Can I help you, ma'am?
OK! Turn her over!
I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun with the sun around
But I get going when the sun goes down
And I meet my baby
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times we kiss
At a time like this who keeps score?
So, I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby!
That's it over there.
It's an OK room - with a shower. Bags first!
Is hot water all you think about?
No. A shower, bed and nice meal will do fine.
If you think I'm just going to watch television, you're wrong.
Now, look. You blokes watch your back.
It's a pretty tough town.
They go down holes, blow things up, then come up again.
That sums things up. Oh, fabulous!
You're welcome to hang out with us, Bob.
I'm meeting some of the boys in the old drive-in for a booze-up.
Like the old days.
I want to go to the boys club!
You'll have supper with us or stay in your room and watch TV.
Ha!
He's a good man, our Bob.
Yeah.
Not my type, though.
Oh! Don't come the raw prawn with me!
I can spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from 300 paces!
Oh, get out! He's far too old.
Mind you, so am I. Mmm.
Did you catch that mail-order bride?
Why'd he marry? I'm dying to ask.
Oops! Sorry. It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
You're the world's best husband.
And, given the chance, a perfectly good father too.
Do you really think so?
Why? Thinking about children?
Yes, as a matter of fact.
Um, do you have 'The Texas Chainsaw Mascara'?
You ever wanted kids?
Sure. But I've learned not to think about it.
You think an old queen's capable of raising a child?
Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job.
Prince Charles is a wonderful boy.
Edward's still a bit of a worry.
What happens if they turn out like Adam?
You stuff them back in and ask for a refund.
Stupid little shit.
I dread to think what he's up to.
Oooh.
Hello.
I'm new in town.
No kidding.
Could I have a bloody Mary, please?
It's a beer or nothing... sweetheart.
Well, I'd better have a beer then.
Cheers.
What are you all looking at?
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to stare. We don't usually get women down here.
Oh.
So what do women do around here besides watching videos?
Well, well, well! Look who we have here.
You know that bloke, do you?
No.
So... who's going to show me the sights?
It'd be my pleasure.
Oh.
So, how about it?
I suppose a fuck's now out of the question.
Get her, Frank! Go, Frank!
Come on, boys! Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?
I never got to tell my parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had.
They never spoke to me again after I'd had... the chop.
I think I have something to tell you.
Oh, shit.
Get after her!
OK, fellas! Don't forget how to treat a lady.
You fucking freak!
Hold him down.
Spread his legs apart.
Oh, no. Please, don't!
Frank, stop!
Stop! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!
You mean you do know this cocksucker.
Get off him, you mongrel!
He was joking, OK? You leave the little bugger alone.
Get out of there, Bob.
Calm down, Frank.
Put the faggot down and get out or you'll be next.
Frank! Get out of there!
Stop flexing your muscles you big pile of budgie turd.
Your mates will be more impressed
if you go back to the pub and fuck a few pigs on the bar.
Bernadette, please...
Bernadette?!
Well, I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town.
I suppose you want a fuck too, do you?
Come on, Bernadette. Come and fuck me.
That's it.
Come on. Come and fuck me.
Come on.
Fuck me.
There, now you're fucked.
You stupid bloody idiot! Drugs, for Christ's sake!
Well, three cheers for you! I hope you're happy now!
You bloody fuckwit!
It's funny.
We all sit around
mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a city.
But in its own strange way it takes care of us.
I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia's been put there
to stop them getting in or us getting out.
Come on.
Don't let it drag you down.
Let it toughen you up.
I can only fight because I've learnt to.
Being a man one day and a woman the next isn't easy.
Sorry. Can't help you. No worries, Pete.
Are we bunny-hopping all the way to Alice?
The man to help's a fair way out of town.
Like how fair?
Couple of hundred klicks fair.
No matter. I've go nothing else to do today. Let's get out of here.
Come on, Adam. We're not here.
Some things are said in the heat of the moment.
I'm sorry I got angry with you last night.
Oh, I dare say you deserved it.
Anyway, that's enough of that.
This is quite an experience sitting with you now.
I can quite safely say
that I think your taste in clothing is absolutely terrible
because you can't say a word, can you?
Oh, this is great fun!
We're going to have a problem finding this guy with the tank.
Why say that? Because he's not out here.
He's out here. He's in Alice.
I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while.
I'm not the most popular bloke back there anymore.
Ooof!
Hello.
Hello!
Who are you? I your wife!
Guess I'll be going home then. You no going!
I coming too. I your wife!
See? I your wife!
Silly girl.
Should've done her homework better.
She always thought... She thought I was from Sydney.
Why did you bring her home?
She was me wife.
Couldn't you sell her off?
Oh, the party's over, everyone. It talks.
Can't keep a good bitch down.
What time will we be in Alice Springs?
Late tomorrow arvo.
How long will you be staying?
Don't know.
A couple of days maybe.
A big day for you tomorrow! We'll all meet the missus!
I saw that smile, Felicia!
One derogatory word
and I'll take you back to your mate in Coober Pedy.
Please, everyone. Tomorrow will be tough.
Please don't make it any harder.
We're only teasing. We won't open our mouths until you give the word.
And then it's open season.
Oh, well. Time for bed.
Got to look good for the wife.
Come along, Adam. Time for your beauty sleep.
Come on!
Will you two be joining us?
I just thought I'd have one for the road.
How about you, Bob?
Sounds good to me.
Alright, then. See you in the morning.
Goodnight!
Another piece of cake, Bob?
Ah, no. Oh.
So... tell me about you.
Can't complain.
Life's a lot simpler now.
Spent 30 years wandering around the world
only to find I was better off where I started.
Not much, but it's my turf.
Oooh! Shit!
Adam!
What? Guess who didn't come home?
I've waited all my life for this.
Bernice has left her cake out in the rain!
Hava nagila Have a hangover
Hava nagila Hi hi hi!
Di di, di-di-di-di Di di, di-di-di-di
My fucking back's killing me.
I need a crap.
Do you want me to go in? I'll go.
Excuse me. You can't park your bus here.
Are you planning on staying here? I'm sorry...
Could you direct me to Marian Barber?
We're the cabaret act from Sydney.
Oh, right, right! Just go through to reception.
Thanks. No worries.
It's alright, Lenny. It's the drag queens!
Come on, Bob. Let's go try on your new frock.
G'day.
Just over there by the bar.
Thanks.
No, those three kegs didn't arrive.
I need them today - not tomorrow, but today.
You're a doll.
What an arsehole.
Oh, my God! Husband! Husband!
It's so good to see you! Hiya, wife!
You're late. Where are the others? Oh, they're outside.
You've lost weight, you old queer. About fucken time!
I can fit into your old one-piece - the one with the sunflowers.
What do you do with it?
'The Poseidon Adventure' routine. You know, Shelley Winters.
Where is he?
I'd like to give you a good spanking.
You can get it!
Spank, spank, spank!
I'll put you over my knee.
I'll "spank, spank" you back! Oops!
Benj.
Do you remember Tick?
Hello, Tick.
Hello.
Where's the bloody bar?
Mr Belrose?
Yes?
Congratulations. It's a boy.
Oh!
Shit! Are you OK?
What's the matter? Oh, my God! Help.
Christ's sake, Mitz, why didn't you tell us?
Why did you shock me like that?
Ooh!
This lump on my head's growing by the second.
I'm making my Northern Territory debut
looking like a fucking Warner Bros cartoon character
has hit me with an iron.
You look more like a Disney witch. Shut up!
At least I don't look like
somebody's tried to open a can of beans with my face.
Sorry. I didn't want you bagging me for two weeks.
What difference does it make now?
About two inches to my head.
See him? He's got my profile.
I'm gonna be sick.
Let's be practical - does he know who you are?
Does he know what you do?
He knows his father's in the show business cosmetics industry.
Oh, Lord! I don't understand.
You don't, so stop trying to.
It'll be fine! It'd better be.
Hello! Oh, stop wearing out that mirror!
Do you always knock? Always.
Haven't got anything to hide, have you?
Alright, girls, you're on in 10 minutes.
You've been on since birth.
The word's out. There's a big crowd.
How big? A full house.
Where's Benj? Safe and sound, asleep in bed.
Don't worry about a thing, my little powder puff.
Can I come in?
Now, there's a gentleman.
Of course you can, Bob.
My Aunt Minnie in here?
Just... wanted to wish you luck.
Thank you, Bob. Thanks.
To make up for last time.
Thank you. That's so thoughtful.
Let's get this show on the road. You, out.
10-minute curtain call. Good luck.
That's quite a wife you've got, Mitz.
What's her hobby - sanding back oil tanker hulls with her tongue?
She sure is something!
Oh! Chookers, girls.
Watch my jaw! Mind my head.
Aren't we faaa-bulous!
Ladies and gentlemen, Lasseters Casino, Alice Springs
presents Miss Mitzi del Gra,
Miss Felicia Jolly Good Fellow and Miss Bernadette Basinger -
the Sisters of the Simpson Desert.
Meeting Mr Right
The man of my dreams
The one who showed me true love or at least it seemed
With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair
Just the way he looks at me - that gentle, loving stare
Finally you came along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no, no
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it...
Seemed so many times he seemed to be the one
But all he ever wanted was to have a little fun
But now you've come along and brightened up my world
In my heart I feel it I'm that special kind of girl
Finally you came along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no, no
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it...
Finally
Whoa
Finally Yeah, yeah
Whoa-oh-oh
Finally, baby
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally Oh, yeah
Yeah, yeah...
Finally Oh, yeah.
More! Bravo!
Beauty! Come on, everybody!
Yay! More!
Yes! More!
Hey-hey! More! More!
More! You were wonderful!
We want more! Yes!
Magnificent! Yay!
Bravo! Whoo! More!
We want more!
Come on, snap out of it.
Come on, mate.
You'll be fine.
Come on, love.
Oh. That's it, mate.
Scared us all for a minute.
Had to have extra attention, didn't you?
Nice one, lovey, nice one.
Shit!
What are you doing, Marian?
You liar! You said he was in bed.
Shh! Drink your daiquiri.
I hate bloody daiquiri!
You don't. You love bloody daiquiris.
Now I know why drag queens drink from big glasses.
To make their hands look smaller! Oh, ha ha, Marian!
What do I tell the boy? I've never been so embarrassed.
You're overreacting. Really?!
Yes. You're being a drama queen.
You'd better drop that shit if you're gonna be a good father.
And don't pretend to be surprised. It's your turn.
Not forever - maybe just a couple of months.
Yeah, but why now?
Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years.
I need a rest, Tick. I need space.
Reminds me of something I said. Well, I do.
It's time he knew his father anyway.
Yeah, that's the problem.
What do I tell him?
What do you assume I do - lie?
Assumption's the mother of all fuck- ups.
Bitch to him, not me.
You might be surprised. Thanks for the free advice.
Who is it?
It's me, Bob.
Your flowers were being mangled.
Thought I'd rescue them for you.
Good idea. Thanks.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Know what your father does for a living?
Yeah.
So you know he doesn't really like girls then?
Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?
No.
Neither does Mum.
She had a girlfriend, but she got over her.
Want to play in my room? I've got Lego.
Sure.
Come on, Butch. Get moving.
We can't brand the cattle by ourselves.
Great show last night. You always end a number like that?
Always.
How'd you like to pick her up every night, Sundance?
Be a pleasure.
That might include tucking the lady into bed, Jeff.
What's the pay like, Marian?
He'll get himself into trouble one day.
And you might just be the lucky fellow.
All aboard!
Watch it with the innuendos.
Give me a clear shot at this.
You call dressing like a Xanadu production number a clear shot?
Come on, Tick! Who's kidding who?
He sure as shit isn't.
Sehd a ocopy to hmy awyer
Gotta start a new life
You've been many things
But most of all a good secretary to me...
Um, wave...
What am I doing? Swimming!
Um...
Murray.
Rock... Murray rock...
River rock... Oh, Rock! Rock Hudson!
Silly dag! Didn't you get Doris Day?
My turn! My turn! OK, smartypants, you try.
Come on, then.
It's a... Person.
A sexy woman. Cat?
Famous woman.
Um... Oh, ah...
Baby. Oh, ah, rocking.
Oh, I know this one.
Racehorse! Cat. Scary cat.
Er, scary moose.
Scary dog?
I know, I know! No?
Oh, Lindy Chamberlain.
That was appalling, Benji.
Who taught you that? Mum did.
Lies! All lies! I thought so.
Come on, Adam.
Up!
Time is against us.
And we have things to do.
Come on, you butch thing, you.
No, no, count me out.
All for one... Come on, Tick.
No.
Hmm.
Come on, Adam. Let's get frocked.
So, uh...
...er, what's it like to finally have a father?
It's OK.
I'm sorry about last night.
I don't always dress up in women's clothes.
I mean, you know, don't get the wrong idea.
Um...
I do a lot of different stuff.
You know, like... Elvis and Gary Glitter.
Abba?
I'm not supposed to know about the Abba show.
But I'd really like to see it.
Would you do Abba for me?
Sure.
You know what I am, don't you?
Mum says you're the best in the business.
Ah, well, your mother was always prone to exaggeration.
Will you have a boyfriend when we're in Sydney?
Maybe.
That's good.
Come on! Where are we going?
To unleash the best in the business.
I had a dream.
Well...
...we did it.
It never ends, does it?
All that space.
So, what now?
I think I want to go home.
Me too.
Well, then...
...let's finish the shows and go home.
Don't go without leaving me your number.
Already taken care of, Jeff.
It's at the bar end of the men's cubicle -
"For a good time, phone Felicia."
Can we stop at McDonald's? Good idea.
I've had enough of this shitty food. Fucking crayfish.
Where the hell do you start?
Lay it on the line, husband.
Don't conceal anything - that's the key.
If he doesn't like it, stiff bickies, he can always come back.
What happens when people hear about Mitzi's minor?
That's your problem, not his.
Morals are a choice. He'll decide his own when he's ready.
Well, that's it. You're all packed.
You're joking?! Bernadette's shoes aren't on board yet.
Hate to say this - wish I was going with you.
Your gas tank will be fine.
Your axle... may be another matter.
The road will be filled with bored mechanics
hoping some drag queens will spirit them away.
We won't spirit gum at this rate.
Where the hell's Bernadette? Here.
Come on, cabanossi tits. Where are your bags?
In my room.
I'm not going. I'm staying here for a while.
Oh, really? And you're choosing to tell us about this now?
She told me a few weeks back.
Somebody's got to handle the guest entertainment while I'm away.
I get it. Who's been playing hide the sausage?
Let's go before I throw up.
Come on, Benj.
Hope you can drive.
Hey, not without a hug!
Waaaa! Waaaa!
Are you sure?
No, I'm not sure.
I'll never know unless I give it a shot.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
Shit! Raccoon time again.
Don't forget to write! See ya!
Wish I was staying.
'Bye! 'Bye! Take care of her now!
'Bye, Mum. 'Bye, Ralph!
Yeah, see ya, Ralph!
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I've made up my mind it must come to an end
Look at me now Will I ever learn?
I don't know how
But I suddenly lose control
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything
Whoa
Mama mia Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mama mia Does it show again
My, my, just how much I missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mama mia Now I really know
My, my, I could never let you go...
I've been angry and sad about things that you do
I can't count all the times that I told you we're through
How can you go when you slam the door?
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything
Whoa
Mama mia Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mama mia Does it show again
My, my, just how much I missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mama mia Now I really know
Why, why I could never let you go.
No, that's enough.
Oh, my tits are falling down!
Oh, Jesus!
Thank you!
Thank you. It's good to be home!
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
But now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best...
...for last
Yeah, yeah.